If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
