Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
