Are we in a gay sports bar?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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