What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
