Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
