I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
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Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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