Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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