i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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