my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In other news, I just burned my penis
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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