think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
