So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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