soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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