so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
