Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
