He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
