he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
