They should really pass out barf bags in church
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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