I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
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