I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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