someone threw a dead crab at me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
