Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
