My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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