I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
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I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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