I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
