Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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