i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
