PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just cut my nipple shaving
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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