my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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