You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
