Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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