Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
