Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
