i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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