I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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