Got a toothbrush?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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