I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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