I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
