Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
