You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
