you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I came so hard my ears popped.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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