So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
