just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
