I think im going to throw up on grandma
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
