Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
