I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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