So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
be right there i have to get my cape
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
