Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
