I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
