her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
