we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize