So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
