My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
