This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
