even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
