I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
