Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
