I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
