only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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