Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
