He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
