I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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